Wednesday, September 28th, 2016

A Wild Welcome in Vang Vieng

16

CHEESY BACON FRIES!” I yelped as we rounded the bend.  We had driven past a bar advertising the most delicious food I could imagine.  “We have to go there!”

Our minibus had arrived in Vang Vieng.  After crossing the border to Laos, my friends Anthony, Jon, Chris and Mona and I split a minibus with two guys we met at the border: Neil from the UK and Ben from the Netherlands, both of them traveling solo.

Now…getting Western food on your first afternoon in a new country?  I know, I know.  Not cool.

But on the minibus ride to Vang Vieng, our driver stopped at a local restaurant.  We were each served the one dish on the menu, a bowl of foe — Lao noodle soup similar to Vietnamese pho.

This wasn’t ordinary foe.  Liver and other various organs were floating in it. Hundreds of flies — yes, hundreds, and that’s no exaggeration — buzzed around our heads.  To top it off, being foreigners, we were massively overcharged.

So a plate of cheesy bacon fries sounded really good about then.

After checking into the excellent Dok Khoun guesthouse in Vang Vieng, the seven of us went down to the bar advertising the cheesy bacon fries.

What followed was a night of epic proportions.

We were promptly greeted by Jackie, the eccentric, ponytailed Lao bartender.  Being the only guests in the bar, we had his full attention (a rarity in Laos!) and he immediately showed off his vat of snake vodka.

I’m not naming names, but one of the guys is deathly afraid of snakes and nearly passed out when the jug was placed on the table!

We ordered our cheesy bacon fries…and Jackie returned with a new bottle of Lao Lao, or moonshine.

“I thought we were taking it easy tonight,” I protested feebly.  After our night on a Thai party train, and a three-hour ride in a cramped minibus, a simple day would have been nice.

Jackie wouldn’t allow it. He immediately poured us a complimentary round of Lao Lao shots.

In case you ever doubted the potency of Lao Lao, check it out here: Jackie set it on fire and the boys took turns putting their fingers into the flames, seeing who could last the longest.

Jackie then brought us a bucket.

That’s when things started getting really weird.

Jackie began regaling us with tales of his sexual prowess, each of them becoming increasingly far-fetched.

“I go four times in one hour!  Ohhhh, ohhhh, ohhhh, ohhhh!” he said, pelvic thrusting in slow-motion on each syllable.

“I had sex with a girl in 1996! Ohhhhhhhh!” Thrusting again and again.

Oh, Jackie.

The cheesy bacon fries arrived, and they were nothing short of divine.

Jackie brought us another bucket, and unlike the first, this one tasted like it was about 90% alcohol.

“I can go five times in one hour!  Ohhhh, ohhhh, ohhhh, ohhhh, ohhhh!”  As Jackie’s tales escalated and spun out of control, his pelvic thrusts got deeper and deeper.

And then the music got turned up and the dancing began!

Neil and Jackie…so beautiful together.

Well, as time went on, it became clear that Jackie only had eyes for one person.

And Mona was scared.

Actually, by then, I think we were all scared of Jackie and his ever-increasing pelvic thrusts.

“I can go for an hour, no stop!  OHHHHHHHH!”

We got out before it was too late — Jackie didn’t charge us for the buckets — and spent the rest of the night stocking up on $2 pairs of fake Ray-Bans, the official eyewear of Vang Vieng.

We did make it to bed at a decent hour…because the next day was all about the tubing.

As for Jackie?  We never saw him again. I’m sure he’s thrusting away, wherever he is.


Comments

16 Responses to “A Wild Welcome in Vang Vieng”
  1. Katherina says:

    hahaha why do bartenders tend to be so… well, weird? I was once having drinks at the beach in Mexico and the bartender came to sit with us, drank half of our alcohol and started putting strange names to us. He insisted on giving one of my friends a massage and kept on telling her to breathe and get in touch with the nature… he “read” my hand and told me that I could communicate with the turtles! I think this is still better than Jackie and his sexual prowess…

  2. Rease says:

    Haha, oh man that Jackie guy sounds absolutely ridiculous. I agree that sometimes Western Food is a must, especially after a terrible local meal.

  3. Theodora says:

    Crikey! Those fries look even scarier than your first bowl of foe. As does the lao lao, which works quite well with honey and lemon, Caipirinha style, if you ask me.

  4. Amy says:

    Sometimes you just need a little slice of home- a holiday from your holiday! 🙂

  5. Nicola says:

    Hahaha amazing. I went to the same bar and had the same horrrrific laos laos shots with the same weird but wonderful Jackie!! Shame we didn’t get to hear his delightful stories though. Big shame. This brings back great memories 🙂

  6. What a funny night! Cheesy bacon fries sound amazing and I want to see that snake! Have fun tubing.

  7. Jack says:

    I’m still in Vang Vieng. I have yet to meet Jackie or see his pelvic thrusting. I’m both sad and relieved at the same time. Do you remember the name of the place? Maybe I’ll check it out tonight…

    I’ve spent time in usual suspects: OhLaLa, Sakura, Q Bar (which actually I can’t stand…wish everyone didn’t end up there), and probably every single Friends / Family Guy lounge. I’ve been here 8 days now and I don’t foresee leaving soon…

    Damn you Vang Vieng with your incredible party atmosphere.

  8. Jessica says:

    Hi,

    Where is Neil from in the UK? He is hooooot!!!

    Jessica

  9. Cheesy bacon fries!! Must be something new! (At least in my place.) And uhhh…snake vodka?? Don’t know how special that is but it does sure sound exotic! I pretty wonder how it taste or what makes it special (at least, must be something new to try for my taste buds).

  10. mark says:

    Hey Kate, great story, love your humor, “oh Jackie”…lololol!

    I’m hooked on your site now, and can’t wait to get out there…you inspired me, now I’ll start my trip to viet nam and laos and THEN head over to India..thank you!

    New fan,
    Mark

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