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Getting naked in public is not the kind of thing I set out to do on a regular basis, but in Istanbul, I knew I had to experience a traditional hammam, or Turkish bath!
These communal bathing facilities are an institution in Turkey. A traditional hammam includes a bath, a heavy-duty body scrub, and a soapy massage. There are additional services like oil massages and spa treatments, but most people just stick to the basic three services.
You can do hammams for very cheap – think 20 lira ($12) – but only if you leave the touristy neighborhoods of Istanbul, of course. That sounded like a good price to me and my friend from the hostel who decided to join me, a fun and spritely gal who shall heretofore be known as the Aussie Ginge.
However, general laziness beat out our desire to save money, as it so often does, and we ended up walking to the cheapest hammam in our neighborhood, right across from the Sultanahmet tram stop, “TURKISH BATH” written in giant neon orange letters.
An Icelandic girl staying at the hostel had been telling me about her hammam experience the day before. She took the metro to a random neighborhood, found a hammam, and was the only foreign woman there. She wore a bathing suit, as did a few women there.
Did she like it? She loved it – up until the point when the lady gave her a wedgie so that she could scrub her butt cheeks.
That did it for me. There HAD to be an adventure in a visit to a hammam!
Part One: Getting Naked
Aussie Ginge and I paid our admission fee (a somewhat painful 50 lira, or $29) and changed into our bathing suits. We were each given a small red and white plaid towel just barely large enough to wrap around ourselves.
And then the hammam lady took a look at us and shook her head.
“No bathing suits.”
Really? But the Icelandic girl –
“NO bathing suits. Wear nothing.”
All right, then. Aussie Ginge and I lost the bathing suits and waddled out into the hammam lobby, the tiny red plaid towels barely covering what they needed to cover.
“Follow me.”
We followed her through a maze of hot, steamy rooms into the women’s section of the hammam.
The hammam lady turned to us, smiled, and without saying a word, PULLED THE TOWELS OFF US as naturally as one would pluck a tissue from a box.
PLUCK! PLUCK!
And suddenly Aussie Ginge and I were standing fully naked as the lady put the towels on the ground for us to sit on.
Well. Hanging out with your new friend from the hostel just got awkward.
AG and I sat on either sides of an overflowing basin and were each handed a bucket. And so commenced part one of the hammam experience, the bath: scooping out the hot water and pouring it over yourself as you sit in a steam-filled room.
As strange as the hammam may sound to the average prudish American, it’s not weird or uncomfortable at all. For 30 minutes, we relaxed, chatted about our world travels, and poured hot water over ourselves.
That’s when the massage ladies sent for us.
Part Two: Scrubbing Down
AG’s masseuse was the lady who had plucked the towels from us earlier, only now she was wearing a bikini. My lady, however, was only wearing bikini bottoms – some might say for ease, but I’m convinced it’s because there exists NO BIKINI TOP IN THE UNIVERSE that could contain those swinging things before me!
My summers as a bra saleslady at Victoria’s Secret gave me a lifelong ability to accurately gauge a woman’s bra size with only a glance. This lady, in my estimation, was a 42F, and they were not unlike two cantaloupes dangling in a sack of cheesecloth.
She put my now-drenched towel on the table and indicated for me to lie down on my stomach. I turned me head to the left and panicked.
Turning to the left meant that I would be facing her dangerous breasts, which surely would careen straight into my face at some point.
Turning to the right meant that I would be staring directly up my friend AG’s butt crack.
I turned left and closed my eyes tightly.
The next step was the body scrub. The lady put on an exfoliation glove and scrubbed hard all over my body, even my face. YEOUCH. It felt like she was scrubbing each pore free of decades and decades of extraneous skin.
I’ve had body scrubs in the past, and the result of a particularly intense exfoliation session has always the same – sticky gray-brown lumps of dead skin rolled together. I expected to see this when I sat up – and gasped.
My skin was covered in black, wavy lines of dirty, dead skin. THIS is what a real exfoliation looks like! My God – how much dirt was on my skin?! Was this dirt from Jordan last week, from Mexico last June, from Cambodia last year, from Ireland ten years ago?!
We are so dirty, and we have no idea.
Part Three: Massage Time
I lay down, still shocked from the exfoliation, as my lady began the soapy massage. She filled a perforated bag with soapy water and squeezed it over my body before brushing me with the bag – and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t the softest thing I’ve ever felt in my life. Newborn babies, you’ve just been one-upped by a plastic bag.
And then the massage came, the massage felt great, and for a moment, it felt like one of those four-handed massages of which I’ve heard so much. Nope, it was a hand and a hand and a boob and a boob.
There was nowhere else for them to go! Of COURSE they would be hitting me all over.
Call it instinct or call it common sense – I knew what was going to happen the moment I saw exactly how large her breasts were. The lady leaned over to massage my right arm and BOOM!
Giant boob smacked me RIGHT in the face!
“Oop!” the lady said quickly, almost apologetically, and went about her work.
Disoriented, I just decided to let it go and chalk it up to the experience.
A final hair wash and rinse-off from the lady and I was ready to go on my way. I thanked her for providing me with an experience I’ll never forget.
Part Four: Recovery
Finished, my lady bundled me up in dry towels and hustled me out to the lounge area. It was time to hang out and drink delicious apple tea. Though an appletini would probably have been a better tonic at that moment.
Aussie Ginge and I met up again, gossiped about our sessions – her lady was not nearly as well-endowed as mine, and thus her face was not a casualty of swinging bazoongas – and took advantage of the free hair dryer before heading back out into chilly Sultanahmet. I then decided that I hadn’t abused myself enough for the day and went to see Breaking Dawn.
The Overall Experience
Yes, this hammam was a strange experience. But I wholeheartedly recommend it – there’s really nothing like it, and I can’t imagine going for long without having all of that black dirt scrubbed off of me again!
Just be cautious with the large-chested women. Believe me, they’re dangerous.
very descriptive and so hilarious.seems like an experience one must make.
Such a great experience. As a Turk, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I really recommend it for everyone. You’d feel like babies when you are done!!!
And men, nothing to worry about. You’ll find many Turkish baths in many cities.
Nice blog btw. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Greetings from Turkey.
LOL glad you survived relatively unscathed. Just had a friend get a massage in Bali where the masseuse also made her de-robe completely and then proceeded to perform some kind of shaking massage “technique.” (so he could see HER shake, according to my friend.) Afterwards she told me “I think I’ve just paid someone to molest me.”
Great story. Very funny. I wonder does the same women do the mens? They sound like weapons!
It’s very strict — women only in the women’s section and men only in the men’s section!
Hahaha ! Kate ! DId we go to the same hammam ? Just went to Istanbul and it’s almost scary how similar my experience was, regarding everything you just described, I think I had the same big-boobed lady ! I pretty much “motorboated” her bosom when she did my shampoo… Great story !
HAHA! Now people will know I didn’t make it up! 😉
Talk about an awkward travel moment! I have yet to go to the spas in Korea, but it’s next on my list.
tis is indeed awesomely funny. I liked the narrative style as well. 🙂
This is the funniest thing i have probably read all week! I just read this to my co worker next to me and we snorted when we laughed (RARE!) I think it was brave of you to have been naked in front of someone you barely knew! As for the boob smacking you in the face, applause to you for taking it like a boss! Lol. Have a wonderful day
Cheers
Sarah
Hardly getting naked in public is it. This website is everything that is wrong with travel bloggers
Kate-
this is interesting! I was meant to go to a hammam in Granada, Spain but it actually required swimsuits! I didn’t expect that and hadn’t packed one (It was winter and I left most of my luggage in Madrid so I wouldn’t have to tote it around).
So I ended up foregoing the experience simply because purchasing a swimsuit AND paying 30 Euros was just too steep a price. BUT I do plan on experiencing one the very next time I’m in a country who has them 🙂
no that I love getting naked in front of strangers, but after years using gyms and the women’s locker room I’m more used to the experience. Doesn’t phase me now! I’m more comfortable in front of strangers than friends though!
This was hilarious!!. I hope Turkey gets through its turbulent times soon, so I too can experience their ‘four hand massage’ 🙂
Lovely blog, Kat. I was looking for Chiang Mai blog, after feeling a bit sick from a day of temple walking in the heat followed by a mega dose of Thai food at the cooking classes, and found yours! Keep up the good work!
I loved Turkey so much. One of the most positive travel surprises!
Hi Kate,
This was absolutely hysterical to read! Would love to travel to Turkey and do this one day! (Hopefully without getting smacked int he face by a boob though haha) Did you spend some time getting lost in the medina in Istanbul? I’ve heard it’s a labyrinth.
The Grand Bazaar in Istanbul is a great place to visit! I always swore I’d go back when I had a place of my own so I could decorate it.
I don’t know if I could ever deal with getting a massage that required me to be naked the whole time. It took me several weeks of going to the gym to get up the nerve to use the open showers in the ladies locker room. I probably should have joined a gym that has stall-showers instead of the group showers that my gym has.
The most awkward nudity experience of my life fortunately did not involve me being naked, but my then sixth grade teacher.
My sixth grade class were bused over to a nearby high school everyday for a week so that we could receive swimming lessons. Most of us already knew how to swim anyway, so I don’t know what purpose it served? But it got us out of our classroom for two hours a day, so that was good.
Each day we would head back to the girls locker room to shower and change after we finished the swimming lesson. We were a bunch of 11 year old’s, most of whom were afraid to get naked in front of each other, so most of us showered in our swimsuits. Only a few of the girls had the guts to shower in the nude.
On the last day that we went to the high school for swimming lessons we talked our teacher into swimming with us. To our shock when we went into the locker room after the lesson, our teacher stripped off her swimsuit and showered in the nude in the open showers. That was the most awkward experience with nudity of my life to this point.
HA! That’s hilarious, Annette!
LOL! I don’t know what else to say besides that.
Hi Kate,
Nice experience almost the some as Moroccan tradition Hammam, except you still have your bath suits on.
Hi
Omg wait until you go to a traditional onsen in Japan. You have to get fully naked and bathe in front of all the naked women! I always get a bit self councious…
Thank you so much for this hilarious article ! I laught so hard my work collegue just asked me what what up with me !
Can’t wait to be in Istanbul and experience Turkish Hamman … Moroccan hammam was already a fun experience, so I am eager to compare !
hahaha this is great! as a guy I cant say I’ve ever experienced any of this but ive been to the hama around a dozen times or so and the best experience was when i went with a friend of mine who is blind without his glasses. When the masseur called us over no one wanted to go with him because of the rather large protrusion sticking out from his pot belly. My friend, not wearing his glasses because of the steam, got up right away and spent the next 20 minutes terrified by this weird purple thing waving in his face!